September 24, 2025

Dear Ellery Jane,

You are the bravest 15-year-old I have ever met.

You tackle your fears head on. You don’t shy away from the pain. You share your emotions with a vulnerability so real and so raw it makes my heart simultaneously ache and soar.

You never take for granted the love in your life, always willingly giving hugs and holding hands.

Your compliments are free flowing.

I am so proud of the choices you have made especially in your friendships.

You have learned this year that life is more complicated than it is straightforward.

You are navigating that reality with the poise and grace that women two times your age do not have.

Hold on tight high school will stretch you. But please believe me when I tell you that this stretching is a good thing. You will come out the other side closer to understanding who you were always meant to be.

I will forever be here for you. You and your sisters are my life’s greatest joy. I am simply grateful God chose me to raise you.

Happiest of Birthdays my beautiful girl.

You deserve all of the good things coming your way.

All my love forever and a day,

Momma

PS- She says all the things way better than I ever could. Thanks to Rachel Platten for this year’s song…..

Today the page turns to 48.

The year that was now behind.

The open-heart surgery;

the subpoena;

the testimony that had nothing and everything to do with our family;

the biopsy that went my way, the reminder that bodies keep the score of generations past,

and then the teetering on the edge of balance only to discover a boot would now be my friend, pain instead of solace found in the run.

An angry proclamation screamed to the man upstairs, “Hasn’t there been enough to endure?”.

Instantly reminded that there is no giant scorecard. No victory check mark to equal out those in the defeat column.

And well if there was I would surely find all of the goodness, all of the love I have received far outweighs the hard.

Oh Lord how lovely this life!

This farm,

this family,

these friends

and this body

all of which allow me to follow the call.

While year 48 would love more happy than hard, I do believe I have been given the most beautiful world in which to exist.

Raising a glass to 365 more chances to live in joy.

And I was young.

I didn’t know how to be a mom.

So, you slept and I snuck into your room.

I gathered your sleeping body into my arms and brought you to our porch.

In those chairs we rocked and watched the fireflies light up the night.

The years never die.

Now, that love is carried to another generation.

I awake their little bodies, whispering in the ears the promise of bugs lighting up the night.

The promise of magic.

How is it that beautiful moments can so easily repeat?

I am grateful that this madness has spun round and round.

I don’t know what the future holds. I have given up any semblance of control.

But here in this night, I find courage in the long, long road.

I know we will live forever under this sky,

January 28, 2025

Dear Brock,

Where to begin?

So much has changed yet everything is the same.

Ellery is still spunky, Audrey introspective, Sidney determined.

There is a new puppy. Yes, I said yes. Who would have thought that?

There are a lot of moments each month where I want to text you.

Our coparenting was one of mutual admiration for the lives we created.

And now you are our watchman.

Rest easy my friend, they are steady.

That being said I need your help.

Remind them of their worth. Let them feel your love.

They question, as all teenage girls do, their place in this world.

Help them to remain resilient yet kind.

The best people stand ready to acknowledge the pain present in this life. They are here for that.

They ache for you and want others to understand that longing.

They know you had to leave but feel lost without you as their constant

What they need today is the reminder of your being.

Bring them sunsets.

Shine down rainbows.

Remind them of the magic of being fully present in a moment.

I am sorry I couldn’t understand.

I wish I had been more available.

Our parenting partnership has not ended,

it’s morphed into a new phase.

Send me signs when you sense the rain clouds forming. Guide me in the pursuit of parenting.

I know you will always be around and in that I am grateful.

H

Dear Matthew,

Your servants heart saved me this year.

The most brutal 365 days could be endured because you showed up each morning willing to serve.

It allowed me to be weak.

It gave me permission to fold.

On your birthday I want you to know how grateful I am that you chose me.

I want you to understand how deeply you are loved and respected.

How much I admire your strength and how I look to your faithfulness as my North Star.

I wish for you a new year filled with all of the happiness you have given to others.

I hope for many moments in which you feel a deep sense of peace.

I cannot promise you easy but what I can guarantee is a life lived in love, together.

Happiest of Birthdays my Matthew.

I love you more everyday.

Love,

H

P.S.- when I heard this one I immediately thought of you.

Dear Audrey,

Your dad and I kissed Sidney goodbye while she slept, gave Nani and Papi a hug and left our house in the very early morning hours of January 12, 2007. I don’t remember much about the 30-minute drive to the hospital or all of the pre surgical prep. What I can recall, like it was yesterday, is the feeling of the doctor lifting you from my body and the loudest cry we had ever heard echoing through the room. “You have a 10 pounder” Dr. Stockwell said (he was off by a few ounces) and in those next seconds the most angelic face appeared in front of me. It was as if God granted us the most beautiful baby ever made.

From the second you made your presence known you have graced us with such love. Anyone who spends even a minute with you is impacted by your big heart and your even bigger smile.

And now you are 18 and I am supposed to let you fly but I can’t help but want to hold on tighter.

It’s not that you aren’t ready. My head knows you are.

You are compassionate.

You are generous.

You are thoughtful.

You are smart.

You love your friends and your sisters in such a way that it makes them feel known and respected.

I really just don’t want to let you go because I don’t want to live each day without your radiating light.

You have some big decisions to make in the coming weeks.

Know that we trust your judgement and you need to make the choice that is written on your heart.

Your bedroom will be waiting for you when you come home.

Matt and I are so proud of you.

Daddy is upstairs cheering you on.

You are never alone.

All my love, forever and a day,

Momma

P.S. This one has been waiting for you.

For an evening, I forgot.

Then touched by the pain was reminded.

I tumbled into the depth and found the grief that lurks.

The memory of your face on the day our eldest was born.

The sound of your laughter when we heard number three was a girl.

The smell of your car, your shirts, that apartment, it all still resides here.

Wherever I go, and I will go to my grave, those reminders will join me.

The world says I am strong.

Yet my heart aches to rest in my weakness.

Please Lord give me the space to feel, the opportunity to process, the chance to be real.

There is no roadmap in mourning.

Let me be at peace with a heart that aches for all that was lost.