Crowded Table

To become a mom for the seventh time at 44, even if it’s planned, feels unexpected.

Bright eyed, pink and screaming he entered our world on an April evening.

It was 24 hours in when I had decided I loved him completley.

Accustomed to children entering my world in a non biological way yet still astonished when he took me in so quickly.

Loving him came so easily.

The difference in parenting this time was the lack of control.

I had no say in what tomorrow held.

My desires were absent.

All I could do was rest in the moment, love him without forward thought.

And he wove his way into the fabric of our family.

His smiles, that touch.

The way the instant he felt fresh air on his face his body relaxed.

As each day passed his presence became more entwined with ours.

Today I would give anything to be with him, yet ninety days after our first embrace he is with another.

The pain is deep and the journey from here to there feels wide.

I still don’t know what tomorrow holds.

Yet I know his name has carved a place on my heart.


Dear Sidney,

It’s taken me nearly two months to write these words. Today, as we shop for dorm room supplies, sendoff college deposits and await the much-anticipated roommate assignment, it feels as if this is finally happening. 18 years come and gone; in a hot second you will be at the doorstep of adult life.

Listening to you deliver your address on commencement day, my heart leapt from its chest. How could this articulate, stunning young women be the same girl I watched toddle around the kitchen? The one with the blonde pigtails and megawatt smile now sharing her knowledge with her universe.

Here is what I know, from your first breath your love changed me and now it will change the world.

You have always been the child who charted her own course. The one who needed little guidance because instinctually she knew right from the wrong.

And now the greater community gets to witness your goodness.

Don’t hesitate for one moment to open your heart and live life out loud.

I’ll l be honest, I hurt to think of you more than a few miles from my arms, but I know this is what you were always meant to do.

Sidney Reagan I am so proud of the person you have become. You bring the light to this world.

Go and give the world your full self and know I will be here holding you close, ready for the chance to cheer you own from the nosebleed section.

Love you forever and always,

Your one and only Momma