Dear Future Husband

Dear Potential Suitor,

I live a big life.

A life that is full of hope, joy, laughter.

A life that most days finds me kneeling in prayer, dancing in the kitchen and crying over my cup of yogi tea.

If you enter my life you too will get to be a part of this mess of glorious chaos.

You will have the chance to encounter three of the most precious souls ever created. They won’t need you as their father (they have one they love and cherish dearly). What you will get is a chance to be their friend, their mentor, their partner in crime.

They will love you wholly and unconditionally as they do all of their Momma’s friends. And your heart will grow and stretch in ways you didn’t know it could from something not born out of your genetics. I promise you this, your life will be better lived having known them.

And from me, what can I offer you?

You will get a woman who owns the bruises and the battle scars of a life well lived.

A less judgmental and more forgiving woman then her younger self.

You will get a woman who knows her strengths, acknowledges her weakness’ and lives in the glory of God’s grace on a daily basis.

You will not get perfection.

In fact you will get a women who can be sullen and quiet.

A woman who craves moments alone and obsesses about when she can escape the noise and clutter, find an open road and just run.

I don’t say all of that to scare you away but rather to be completely open about the “good” and the “bad” you will encounter.

I can’t promise you a life of sunshine and rainbows.

I won’t even attempt to.

What I will promise is that together we will grow and stretch in ways that only those engaged in a thoughtful, intimate partnership can.

I don’t know the where and the why’s of how we will come together.

I don’t get a glimpse down the rabbit hole that names the time and the place where you will carve your name on my heart.

Just know that I am here, waiting and open to the possibility of a second chance.

With fondness and respect,



Feeding the Soul


Couldn’t sleep.

Head turning, eyes darting.

My stomach ached and I realized the restlessness in my heart was caused by the hunger in my belly.

Stumbling down the stairs, I wondered how one could be so hungry at two in the morning. Retracing my steps, recounting what I had eaten that day. No clue as to why my body demanded the nourishment at that ungodly hour.

If only our souls could command the mind’s attention in the same manner.

If only it could sound an alarm whenever the need arose.

But instead we wait.

Telling others we need a vacation, a cup of coffee, a bottle of wine. We speak it in exasperated tones.

We wait until we are completely diminished before we raise our hand and beg for mercy. And by then the damage is done. The kind words left unspoken. The harried frenzy leveled upon our children.

Our souls had to have cried out long before those desperate moments.

C.S Lewis once said “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”

Maybe then we should learn to listen to the voices of hunger that emerge from the soul.  If we nourish it we may find that the body will follow.





Sometimes they come at night.

They creep in at the corners.

The girls are asleep and as I sit, I feel their presence.

Reminders of a time long since past.

The glance across that king bed and I can almost imagine him breathing next to me.

Memories so clear like water on a still lake.

I see the reflection of the people we were.

I see that girl I thought I was.

The ghosts then come and sit with me awhile.

They use to threaten me, taunt me with all I lost, now they simply sit like old friends.

They stay for a bit as I ponder long forgotten moments;

the chinese dinners in front of the TV in that small DC townhouse,

the nights trading quotes from the latest books we’d been reading when we had all the time in the world to read books,

and all of those evenings talking in hushed tones praying that those babies were finally down for the night.

And today when sleep overcomes me I can often feel a faint smile traced on my lips.

The days of longing  for people past are now replaced with appreciation for all that was.