The beauty in parenthood is how it forces you to keep marching forward.
As much as a heartbroken women would love to curl up in bed, watch sappy movies and eat an entire dish of brownies, as a Momma there isn’t time.
No opportunity to wallow in grief. A good cry in the closet and off we go as there is mattress sledding on the stairs,
popcorn parties in bed,
and birthday’s to celebrate.
The opportunity given, a chance for a front row seat; watching their Momma dust herself off, move forward and live life fully.
The end came with a whisper.
A quiet acknowledgement on the eve of my 39th birthday that we were no longer capable of moving forward together.
The breath catches in my throat when I think of the beauty gained from knowing this man; the place he carved in my life.
I am grateful for having shared a piece of this journey with him.
I am in awe of what his love taught me.
And so on my birthday, I choose to celebrate the many blessings of my life;
to thank God for all of those he has chosen to walk this road with me, even those who aren’t here to stay.
I’m not a big meat eater. Best guess is at least three years since a steak last grazed my lips.
Sometime around Mother’s Day this year I got a hankering for one on the grill.
I’ve never grilled.
I don’t own a grill.
So when my Momma asked me what I wanted to do for my 39th birthday and I replied, I just want someone to grill me a steak, I expected she would make that happen.
I should know by now that’s not how she works.
A few days after my desires were made known she walked into my house clutching this-
She found it for me.
She wanted me to read up.
She was very excited for me to learn how to grill my own birthday steak.
And that, right there, is why my Momma is so special.
The whispers in my ear as a little girl now transformed into gentle nudging’s; reminders from her that if I want something, I have to go after it.
Make it happen for yourself Heather.
Life’s too short.
Her five is unique.
She pushes me to do it differently this time around.
What worked for her sisters isn’t what is best for her.
So as she stretches and grows, I get the chance to start over.
I’m not expected to parent perfectly.
All she asks of me is flexibility and the acknowledgment that she is an individual.
I can’t recall a time that our lives were not woven together.
Days of dress up in my room;
school field trips and projects;
birthday parties in her parent’s basement;
proms and graduations;
weddings and babies, and moves and heartbreak.
She knows the totality of my life.
And in those dark days when I shut the world out, she stood there waiting.
She doesn’t ask me for more than I can give.
Again and again she is there, a lifetimes worth of showing up.
Audrey calls her my forever friend,
a person you have known so long you can’t remember a time without them.
After a weekend spent together, where as always its as if we never missed a beat, I think about the blessing it is to have her as my forever, the beauty in the intersection of our lives.