The pain began in November of 2014, an aching in my chest at odd hours during the day.
A family history of Arrhythmia’s encouraged the doctors to explore more thoroughly the reasons.
An echocardiogram and a month with a monitor strapped to my chest showed a healthy heart.
The clinching in my chest was coming from external factors, a sensitivity to caffeine that didn’t exist previously.
I abandoned my coffee obsession cold turkey, slept more and drank less
The fear I felt alone in those moments in my physicians office led me to make the changes.
As the year went on, I slipped. First with the coffee, one cup then two a day.
I began to sleep less.
I made excuses for the pressure building in my body.
As often happens in life, just as I felt a season of calm ahead, the storm rolled in and knocked me off kilter.
There I stood on Monday, hand clenched over my heart, not comprehending that the pain was of my own making.
I thought I was managing the load when in fact I was not.
Choices I made had brought me to this moment.
So all that is left now is to continue forward with the knowledge that I need to do a better job.
I will forgive my own failings,
put away the cups of coffee, embrace my yogi tea.
I will sleep more and worry less.
I will dance down the path in front of me, knowing that heartache always returns.
I will carry the load, aware that it is not the weight but the distribution of it that matters most.