The pain began in November of 2014, an aching in my chest at odd hours during the day.

A family history of Arrhythmia’s encouraged the doctors to explore more thoroughly the reasons.

An echocardiogram and a month with a monitor strapped to my chest showed a healthy heart.

The clinching in my chest was coming from external factors, a sensitivity to caffeine that didn’t exist previously.

I abandoned my coffee obsession cold turkey, slept more and drank less

The fear I felt alone in those moments in my physicians office led me to make the changes.

As the year went on, I slipped. First with the coffee, one cup then two a day.

I began to sleep less.

I made excuses for the pressure building in my body.

As often happens in life, just as I felt a season of calm ahead,  the storm rolled in and knocked me off kilter.

There I stood on Monday, hand clenched over my heart, not comprehending that the pain was of my own making.

I thought I was managing the load when in fact I was not.

Choices I made had brought me to this moment.

So all that is left now is to continue forward with the knowledge that I need to do a better job.

I will forgive my own failings,

put away the cups of coffee, embrace my yogi tea.

I will sleep more and worry less.

I will dance down the path in front of me, knowing that heartache always returns.

I will carry the load, aware that it is not the weight but the distribution of it that matters most.