To become a mom for the seventh time at 44, even if it’s planned, feels unexpected.

Bright eyed, pink and screaming he entered our world on an April evening.

It was 24 hours in when I had decided I loved him completley.

Accustomed to children entering my world in a non biological way yet still astonished when he took me in so quickly.

Loving him came so easily.

The difference in parenting this time was the lack of control.

I had no say in what tomorrow held.

My desires were absent.

All I could do was rest in the moment, love him without forward thought.

And he wove his way into the fabric of our family.

His smiles, that touch.

The way the instant he felt fresh air on his face his body relaxed.

As each day passed his presence became more entwined with ours.

Today I would give anything to be with him, yet ninety days after our first embrace he is with another.

The pain is deep and the journey from here to there feels wide.

I still don’t know what tomorrow holds.

Yet I know his name has carved a place on my heart.