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Posted on August 26, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

August 27, 2016

Dear Sidney,

I am very proud of you.

You are an exceptional young women.

You are bright.

You are kind.

You are loving.

You have a strong moral compass that you aren’t afraid to share with others.

Some of my greatest moments of joy in life are catching you in prayer, seeing you carry Ellery and watching you stand up for Audrey when you think someone has wronged her.

I could not feel more blessed that God choose me to be your Momma. But, I have to tell you, when you leaned over the other night and whispered in my ear that I was your best friend, I also felt profoundly grateful that you see me as your confidante.

I promised you I wouldn’t get swept up today in the emotion of the moment.

This day is about celebration.

Celebrating the remarkable young woman you are becoming.

Today we will stay up late and laugh until our belly’s hurt.

We will shop and swim and eat.

We will mark the day with friends and family that are helping you be your best self.

I love you Sidney Reagan.

Happiest of birthday’s my dear.

Twelve looks really good on you.

Love,

Your one and only Momma

PS-

This year’s birthday song is one I hope carries you through the next twelve months.

Some Day

Posted on August 16, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

Before I had children I laughed at parents who waxed poetic as their children started school.

When it’s my turn I thought, I will save my tears for the truly momentous occasions like graduation from high school, drivers licenses and admittance to college.

Some day I will be there and I won’t be them;

then some day happened.

As one baby after another marched out the front door to the start of their educational careers, I cried a little harder.

I reminded myself this wasn’t the end, just another beginning for them and for me.

Secretly though, I knew I had Ellery Jane bringing up the rear. She would be my baby for a little while longer.

Some day has come again.

Tomorrow my ending will mark her beginning.

Ellery Jane ready to start a new chapter, even if her Momma is still struggling to turn the page.

My Tribe

Posted on August 4, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

We can do almost all of it.

Dinners, homework, carpools, trips across the country or to the grocery, the four of us have got it down.

We are a team. It often makes me feel unstoppable.

That is, until I find us one night on the side of the highway, only corn fields to be seen for miles, a tire blown by debris in the road and me as the leader of this pack unable to do anything. Chicago bound, I am now trapped with an immovable car and a setting sun, on the outskirts of middle America.

As I direct children to exit the vehicle and realize that the roadside assistance I pay for each year is not going to get the job done, I begin to feel very alone.

And in that moment of panic I glance at my 11-year-old texting.

I spit out the question, what does she think she is doing right now, can’t she see we are in quite the bind?

The response stops me in my tracks, immediately ends my downward spiral.

“Momma, I am asking my friends to pray for us”.

As teammates often do they lift one another in their moments of weakness.

I am still the momma, the one responsible for bringing us out of this mess, but my beautiful, thoughtful, spiritual daughter is really the one who will change the course of that evening.

Good Samaritans arrive by the carload and then the highway patrol.

Within an hour they have us back on the road with instructions to drive two exits down stay overnight at the Marriott and then hit the Wal-Mart Supercenter when it opens at 7 am for a new tire as that spare donut will not get us to Chicago.

Ellery laughs at the baby tire.

We find our way to Van Wert and find the hotel pool which wipes away the remaining concerns.

Audrey decides that before bed we must pray for those who lifted us from the side of the road and instructs me that I am to find a way to pay it forward to others.

The next morning we awake and find two tires, marked down just the day before, and a grandfatherly gentleman able to put them on for us. In what feels like seconds we are back on the highway heading west and the incident is just a minor pothole on the way to perfect weekend.

I am once again reminded that I am not alone. My tribe and I are in this together.

Forward

Posted on July 20, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

The beauty in parenthood is how it forces you to keep marching forward.

As much as a heartbroken women would love to curl up in bed, watch sappy movies and eat an entire dish of brownies, as a Momma there isn’t time.

No opportunity to wallow in grief. A good cry in the closet and off we go as there is mattress sledding on the stairs,

popcorn parties in bed,

and birthday’s to celebrate.

The opportunity given, a chance for a front row seat; watching their Momma dust herself off, move forward and live life fully.

Flexibility

Posted on July 14, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

Her five is unique.

She pushes me to do it differently this time around.

What worked for her sisters isn’t what is best for her.

So as she stretches and grows, I get the chance to start over.

I’m not expected to parent perfectly.

All she asks of me is flexibility and the acknowledgment that she is an individual.

Summer

Posted on June 28, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

In my house summer is made for adventure.

There are road trips,

airplane adventures,

and days spent laughing until we cry.

They are old enough now to maintain memories of their childhood.

As they age I want them to recall the feeling of wet grass on their bare feet,

the sharp contrast of a dark nights sky and the flickering of lightning bugs.

I want them to smell smoke and remember their momma trying hard to start a campfire and the taste of burnt marshmallows on their tongues.

Time here, in this place, moves so very fast.

I want summer to be their soft landing, for a few months the slower pace of life that lends itself to memory making.

Absent

Posted on June 9, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

There is a wedding on Saturday.

In navy blue dresses my girls will stand in front of friends and family as they watch their father marry.

I want to be there,

to curl Sidney’s hair;

whisper words of encouragement in Audrey’s ear before her toast and

cuddle Ellery when half way through the evening her legs grow tired of dancing.

Saturday is important to them.

But, no matter how good the relationship is between their dad and I, there are simply days when the past does not get to participate in the present.

There is sadness in the missing of the moment.

When Sunday night arrives and they scamper though our front door, the moments will have become memories. Memories made without me present.

And that is the reality of divorce.

I won’t linger there long in my own sorrow.

Instead we will make ice cream tonight, watch the sunset and talk about all the fun they will have this weekend.

When our eyes grow heavy, we will climb under my blankets and I will wrap them in my love.

And in that I will find my joy.

The Ranch

Posted on June 1, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

We didn’t find this place, it found us.

As sometimes happens, the places you are meant to be, find their way to you.

School let out for summer on that Friday and by Saturday morning we were leaving behind our gray skies for the dry heat of the Arizona desert.

The days flew.

When there are horses to ride and bulls to lasso, there’s not much time for make-up, squabbles over meals or chatting on the phone.

You wake up each day at 5am, drink your coffee, don your cowgirl boots and head out on your horse.

When the heat of the day gets to be too much your lounge by the pool or find a cool spot to do yoga on the lawn.

There aren’t any TV’s.

Emails seem to find a way to go unanswered (especially when you hear that dinner bell ringing).

And on that last day, when you ride up the mountain for blueberry pancakes at sunrise, you realize this was the best thing you did with your year.

You know that nothing will replace the memories you made on this trip. And you are grateful for the sunset.

Judging

Posted on May 17, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

I could feel it in the question.

My seat mate on the flight to DC.

“So who watches your children while you travel for work”, he inquired?

The question poised a few moments into a benign conversation about our respective careers and travel.

And now he was judging.

Or was I judging myself?

A moment of self reflection in seat 17D at 9:35am on a Monday. But first, really, if I am being honest, a moment of self hate.

My mom was there. Everyday with a smile and a hug when I walked in after school.

And I, now as the mom, almost a 1000 miles away when they walk through those doors.

How do I reconcile the judgments in the eyes of that stranger with the feelings of accomplishment from the career I have and the role I always dreamed of- being someone’s Momma?

Do I apologize to this stranger for the life I have chosen? Or is the apology to my children when I walk in the door at 8:30pm that night?

No, I will walk it back.

Move away from my own self-hate, for not being the perfect woman.

I will think about the dinner time conversations where my girls first words are “tell us about your day today Momma”.

I will remind myself of Audrey’s desire to be a lobbyist, Sidney as an equine vet and

Ellery the drill sergeant.

I will remember the times when I have been juggling and the girls have stepped in. How Sidney makes dinner, Ellery “cleans” the house and Audrey takes care of the dog. How they have learned to live in this community. That the family doesn’t begin and end with Momma, we are in it together.

I smile at the gentlemen next to me.

I choose not to answer the question and instead describe my little family.

Those girls 11, 9 and 5, their hobbies, personalities and the joy they bring to my life.

He tells me about his three boys now all grown and starting families of their own.

And before we both know it, the wheels are coming down and we’ve begun our descent.

No more judging. Neither he of me or I of myself.

The Gift

Posted on April 30, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

Nani is magic.

She persuades sullen children to sleep,

breaks up fights with merely a look.

She calms fears, theirs and mine;

remembers little moments and treats them like holidays.

She’s the parent I am not as I travel the country.

Their eyes light up when she walks in the door each morning and announces her presence.

It’s a gift these days with her.

This gift, in this way, would not have been possible had he lived.

They had a plan.

A beach house on the shore and a retirement within reach.

Yes, they would have been magical, the two of them together with those three little girls.

But, it would have been a different kind of magic- one made after 12 hour-long road trips to that cottage on the island.

We don’t get to decide the gift given or choose the form it takes.

We can ponder the would have been, but all that would do is tarnish the image of what is.

So we will love this gift that comes wrapped in the package of the woman called Nani. The one, if it had worked out differently, might be a thousand miles away and instead walks through our front door each morning and brings her magic.

A Joyful Life

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