Dream

So you’ve walked 1200 days alone before he enters.

One would think it would wreak havoc on a life.

Decisions now made with input of another.

Days that dance by, one fuller then the next.

Yet, somehow, it all just works,

our stories blending.

Those three girls and their daddy, my three girls and that dog, the group of us, all eight meandering through life together.

Dear Lord help us to continue to love each other as we should.

This is the way this life’s meant to be lived.

The way that little girl always dreamed it would be.

 

 

 

 

This Joy

I heard his words.

This day, in this wooden pew, in this church in Cincinnati, Ohio, I listened.

As the priest told us how joy is not a state of mind but a condition we choose to live in;

a grace given by the father, all to often left unopened,

I nodded my head in agreement.

Looking to my right and left at the faces of those I cherished most in this world, I understood.

We do hard things.

We wrestle challenge.

But, each day, we make a choice to live in the grace he has provided.

The pain and the joy partners on this path.

“Momma are you crying”, she whispered in my ear.

“No tears today”, I whispered back;

just JOY.

from The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis:

 

Waking up

Three years gone.

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I mark these anniversaries not out of sadness or out of celebration.

I mark them because it shouldn’t be forgotten.

I should remember where I was.

The young woman I left behind,

her fears and her failings.

I wasn’t escaping her, just growing into her next version.

If it hadn’t happened,

if the thread hadn’t been pulled on fourteen years of marriage,

I wouldn’t be here now.

I wouldn’t be the mom, the friend, the woman, I am today.

So today is marked, looking back with respect for the process that brought me here.

I thank God for the gifts of this journey.

I thank God for the gift of this life.

Steak

I’m not a big meat eater. Best guess is at least three years since a steak last grazed my lips.

Sometime around Mother’s Day this year I got a hankering for one on the grill.

I’ve never grilled.

I don’t own a grill.

So when my Momma asked me what I wanted to do for my 39th birthday and I replied, I just want someone to grill me a steak, I expected she would make that happen.

I should know by now that’s not how she works.

A few days after my desires were made known she walked into my house clutching this-

grill

She found it for me.

She wanted me to read up.

She was very excited for me to learn how to grill my own birthday steak.

And that, right there, is why my Momma is so special.

The whispers in my ear as a little girl now transformed into gentle nudging’s; reminders from her that if I want something, I have to go after it.

Make it happen for yourself Heather.

Life’s too short.

 

 

 

Unfinished

She caught me that morning, on the hillside, praying.

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My eleven year old, behind the lens ,wanting to capture the moment with her Momma there on that mountain.

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Life is unstable.

It knocks on us.

And as I find myself staring into the valley of thirty-nine, I pray no longer to fear the instability;

to take more risks,

to climb more mountains.

I am unfinished.

 

 

 

For my former spouse and his soon to be bride

Dear Brock and Allison,

These last two years have been a journey for all of us. But your wedding day is not about what was, it is about what is.

You have found in each other what many dream of and your life will come together before your friends, family and our God in just two short months.

As we lead up to this joyous occasion, but before the frenzied pace of the last weeks before your wedding, I wanted to pause and let you know a few things I have been pondering.

There is great beauty in this moment.

A story of God’s grace.

The chance to start anew.

While I play no role on the day of your wedding, know that the role I play in the coming years of your marriage is one I take very seriously.

As the mother of your girls Brock and of your mentees Allison, I will be here to support you on this journey. I will always hold your marriage in the highest regard.

I will seek to reinforce its place in the lexicon of our family.

I will remind my children of the extra special life they lead to have so many grown ups committed to nurturing them through their formative years and beyond.

Your marriage will have a very important place in their lives.

You see you have the chance to do what thus far has alluded me.

You can show them the stability and strength in a lifelong commitment. How man and women can live in unity with each other.

I may never get to be that example for them. But you two do.

So I will have this unique privilege of watching your married life unfold and lifting it up from afar.

I will pray for you daily and seek God’s guidance as to the best way forward for all of us.

Enjoy this time in your lives.

Know that I believe the best is yet to come for you both.

Sincerely,

H

merton quote

The Clothes

I step in and I am transported back.

Flooded with memories of my making.

The clothing I now view as my collection.

They bring me sweet smiles each day while I debate what will be worn.

The sleeve of that dress I had on the first time the man I liked grabbed my hand. When I look at it, I can feel the texture and warmth of his touch in my palm.

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The sweatshirt I stole from my brother’s closet freshman year in college. The edges worn, the letters faded. It’s now Sidney’s favorite. When I ask her why she takes it she tells me “it smells like you Momma.

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There’s the scarf my best friend gave me for Christmas one year that I wore on a colder then usual December vacation to Disney.

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The cream blazer I splurged on was the first big purchase I hadn’t needed to “clear” with anyone, a reminder of the independence I now have.

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And those running shoes. Always off to the side, ready to slide on each morning. A new pair every 6 months or so. Medals of all the miles logged.

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For years I would walk into spaces like this in homes I made and question my worth. The skirt that felt too tight. The shirt that couldn’t hide what I thought needed hiding.

Gradually those feelings faded and all that is left is the goodness in those pieces.

And now when I find my niece standing in the center of that closet wearing my heels or Sidney in the Wittenberg sweatshirt, I feel such joy.

The clothes are comfort.

The fabric, memories of a life well lived.