Waking up

Posted on October 17, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce

Three years gone.

I mark these anniversaries not out of sadness or out of celebration.

I mark them because it shouldn’t be forgotten.

I should remember where I was.

The young woman I left behind,

her fears and her failings.

I wasn’t escaping her, just growing into her next version.

If it hadn’t happened,

if the thread hadn’t been pulled on fourteen years of marriage,

I wouldn’t be here now.

I wouldn’t be the mom, the friend, the woman, I am today.

So today is marked, looking back with respect for the process that brought me here.

I thank God for the gifts of this journey.

I thank God for the gift of this life.

Neither

Posted on October 3, 2016 by heatherdahl under Uncategorized

I’m not with her,

or with him.

It’s not that I can’t decide.

It’s simply that I decide neither.

He’s not my party.

She’s not my person.

Neither represent what I believe.

Neither (for different reasons) are role models I want my young girls to emulate.

I don’t care if you feel I am throwing away my vote.

I am standing on principal; doing it loudly, not in silence.

As we do every spring and fall, the little ladies and I will walk into our polling station.

I will check the box for men and women I know make me proud of their service and their ideals.

At the top of my ticket, one box will remain empty.

I’m not with her.

He’s not with me.

Given a choice,

I vote neither.

Happiness

Posted on September 26, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

Somewhere along the way I found it easier to write about the pain then to document the joy.

Pen to paper, words poured out in sadness.

An instant relief in the acknowledgement of the agony.

But, what am I to do when days of joy fall swiftly one after the other?

I’m not chasing the stages of grief. If I say it out loud will I jinx it?

You should know I am happy.

I make plans for my girls.

I dream about the man I love.

And, I am in awe of the life I’m living.

The words now typed I will trust.

Regardless of what happens next, today’s joy will always be mine.

And then she was 6

Posted on September 24, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

Dear Ellery Jane,

Six year ago today you completed our family; the exclamation point at the end of our sentence.

We became a team on September 24, 2010.

We our grateful and we are blessed that God brought you into our home.

Each day you delight us with your wit and your charm.

With your presence, laughter fills this space.

You’re simply the most perfect bundle of love.

Six years have flown by in the blink of an eye.

But you, more than any other, have taught me to slow down and cherish the moment.

Enjoy your day my most beautiful girl.

I cannot wait to watch your next year unfold.

I am very proud of you.

Love,

Your one and only Momma

P.S-

Your favorite part of the letter (maybe next year I should begin with this); your birthday song. It’s a better place since you came along my girl.

Farewell

Posted on September 16, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

She taught compassion.

She modeled empathy.

She showed endless, unconditional love.

She was patient.

She protected tender hearts.

She was for each of us an ear to listen when all others would do is speak.

She was a gentle soul living out a second act.

I can’t help but feel I failed her.

But, in her ending, we are give another chance to learn.

Life expectancy does not dictate the impact of one’s life.

Tonight we will honor her with her favorites. We will take a walk in the woods, sit on the patio, lick peanut butter from spoons and watch the sun fade.

Good night dear friend, until we meet again.

Stillness

Posted on September 7, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

There is a space inside that yearned for quiet.

I tried to find it in activity;

the daily morning runs,

the housework,

the grocery,

the hour after children are sleeping while lunches are packed and papers signed.

I thought I could find the quiet as long as I was by myself;

taught that sitting alone with words dancing in my head, my hands idle, is not how one gets to next.

Fill your days.

Do more, be more, strive for more.

Whatever you do don’t just sit.

The void remained.

It took half a lifetime to learn that its ok to just be,

that in order for the silence to come I must invite it with my posture.

Each morning now words of thanks whispered from the perch on my leather chair. The quiet I find in the stillness of the moment.

I am not doing.

It doesn’t mean I am less then.

It means I can become more than I was.

And I don't mean because of anxiety or stress. I simply enjoy taking a couple deep breaths-- filling my lungs with life and being ever so present in the moment and appreciative of life. My mind is always filled dreams, ideas, creative thoughts, life situations, loved ones, etc... So it's nice to be still and breathe. Very peaceful.:

12

Posted on August 26, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

August 27, 2016

Dear Sidney,

I am very proud of you.

You are an exceptional young women.

You are bright.

You are kind.

You are loving.

You have a strong moral compass that you aren’t afraid to share with others.

Some of my greatest moments of joy in life are catching you in prayer, seeing you carry Ellery and watching you stand up for Audrey when you think someone has wronged her.

I could not feel more blessed that God choose me to be your Momma. But, I have to tell you, when you leaned over the other night and whispered in my ear that I was your best friend, I also felt profoundly grateful that you see me as your confidante.

I promised you I wouldn’t get swept up today in the emotion of the moment.

This day is about celebration.

Celebrating the remarkable young woman you are becoming.

Today we will stay up late and laugh until our belly’s hurt.

We will shop and swim and eat.

We will mark the day with friends and family that are helping you be your best self.

I love you Sidney Reagan.

Happiest of birthday’s my dear.

Twelve looks really good on you.

Love,

Your one and only Momma

PS-

This year’s birthday song is one I hope carries you through the next twelve months.

Some Day

Posted on August 16, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

Before I had children I laughed at parents who waxed poetic as their children started school.

When it’s my turn I thought, I will save my tears for the truly momentous occasions like graduation from high school, drivers licenses and admittance to college.

Some day I will be there and I won’t be them;

then some day happened.

As one baby after another marched out the front door to the start of their educational careers, I cried a little harder.

I reminded myself this wasn’t the end, just another beginning for them and for me.

Secretly though, I knew I had Ellery Jane bringing up the rear. She would be my baby for a little while longer.

Some day has come again.

Tomorrow my ending will mark her beginning.

Ellery Jane ready to start a new chapter, even if her Momma is still struggling to turn the page.

My Tribe

Posted on August 4, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

We can do almost all of it.

Dinners, homework, carpools, trips across the country or to the grocery, the four of us have got it down.

We are a team. It often makes me feel unstoppable.

That is, until I find us one night on the side of the highway, only corn fields to be seen for miles, a tire blown by debris in the road and me as the leader of this pack unable to do anything. Chicago bound, I am now trapped with an immovable car and a setting sun, on the outskirts of middle America.

As I direct children to exit the vehicle and realize that the roadside assistance I pay for each year is not going to get the job done, I begin to feel very alone.

And in that moment of panic I glance at my 11-year-old texting.

I spit out the question, what does she think she is doing right now, can’t she see we are in quite the bind?

The response stops me in my tracks, immediately ends my downward spiral.

“Momma, I am asking my friends to pray for us”.

As teammates often do they lift one another in their moments of weakness.

I am still the momma, the one responsible for bringing us out of this mess, but my beautiful, thoughtful, spiritual daughter is really the one who will change the course of that evening.

Good Samaritans arrive by the carload and then the highway patrol.

Within an hour they have us back on the road with instructions to drive two exits down stay overnight at the Marriott and then hit the Wal-Mart Supercenter when it opens at 7 am for a new tire as that spare donut will not get us to Chicago.

Ellery laughs at the baby tire.

We find our way to Van Wert and find the hotel pool which wipes away the remaining concerns.

Audrey decides that before bed we must pray for those who lifted us from the side of the road and instructs me that I am to find a way to pay it forward to others.

The next morning we awake and find two tires, marked down just the day before, and a grandfatherly gentleman able to put them on for us. In what feels like seconds we are back on the highway heading west and the incident is just a minor pothole on the way to perfect weekend.