An ending

Posted on July 17, 2016 by heatherdahl under Uncategorized

The end came with a whisper.

A quiet acknowledgement on the eve of my 39th birthday that we were no longer capable of moving forward together.

The breath catches in my throat when I think of the beauty gained from knowing this man; the place he carved in my life.

I am grateful for having shared a piece of this journey with him.

I am in awe of what his love taught me.

And so on my birthday, I choose to celebrate the many blessings of my life;

to thank God for all of those he has chosen to walk this road with me, even those who aren’t here to stay.

"They say that if one understands himself, he understands all people. But I say to you, when one loves people, he learns something about himself." ~Kahlil Gibran art by Kimberly Kirk

Steak

Posted on July 15, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce

I’m not a big meat eater. Best guess is at least three years since a steak last grazed my lips.

Sometime around Mother’s Day this year I got a hankering for one on the grill.

I’ve never grilled.

I don’t own a grill.

So when my Momma asked me what I wanted to do for my 39th birthday and I replied, I just want someone to grill me a steak, I expected she would make that happen.

I should know by now that’s not how she works.

A few days after my desires were made known she walked into my house clutching this-

She found it for me.

She wanted me to read up.

She was very excited for me to learn how to grill my own birthday steak.

And that, right there, is why my Momma is so special.

The whispers in my ear as a little girl now transformed into gentle nudging’s; reminders from her that if I want something, I have to go after it.

Make it happen for yourself Heather.

Life’s too short.

Flexibility

Posted on July 14, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

Her five is unique.

She pushes me to do it differently this time around.

What worked for her sisters isn’t what is best for her.

So as she stretches and grows, I get the chance to start over.

I’m not expected to parent perfectly.

All she asks of me is flexibility and the acknowledgment that she is an individual.

Forever

Posted on July 7, 2016 by heatherdahl under Uncategorized

I can’t recall a time that our lives were not woven together.

Days of dress up in my room;

school field trips and projects;

birthday parties in her parent’s basement;

proms and graduations;

weddings and babies, and moves and heartbreak.

She knows the totality of my life.

And in those dark days when I shut the world out, she stood there waiting.

She doesn’t ask me for more than I can give.

Again and again she is there, a lifetimes worth of showing up.

Audrey calls her my forever friend,

a person you have known so long you can’t remember a time without them.

After a weekend spent together, where as always its as if we never missed a beat, I think about the blessing it is to have her as my forever, the beauty in the intersection of our lives.

Summer

Posted on June 28, 2016 by heatherdahl under Parenting

In my house summer is made for adventure.

There are road trips,

airplane adventures,

and days spent laughing until we cry.

They are old enough now to maintain memories of their childhood.

As they age I want them to recall the feeling of wet grass on their bare feet,

the sharp contrast of a dark nights sky and the flickering of lightning bugs.

I want them to smell smoke and remember their momma trying hard to start a campfire and the taste of burnt marshmallows on their tongues.

Time here, in this place, moves so very fast.

I want summer to be their soft landing, for a few months the slower pace of life that lends itself to memory making.

Patience

Posted on June 27, 2016 by heatherdahl under Uncategorized

In this world of immediate gratification, I am learning to live with longing.

Not the kind of longing that paralyzes you with fear, but the kind that tells you in the waiting you will find your greatest reward.

The answers won’t arrive with the speed of a freight train. They come slowly, with the pace more akin to that of a meandering donkey on the road to Bethlehem.

With each sunrise, I open my mouth in prayer, hopeful the answers will come.

I choose with that same prayerful breath to acknowledge the goodness to be had in the waiting.

The growth to be gained from the longing.

Lessons

Posted on June 19, 2016 by heatherdahl under Uncategorized

My daddy taught me to be grateful, to show grit;

to ask questions then listen closely to the answers;

to smile deeply and love without expectations.

He showed me that life, like riding a bike is more than just forward motion, it’s balancing on two wheels.

He chided me for tears that came from tantrums, but held me when the eyes were wet from things that go bump in the night.

He was my biggest cheerleader and my sharpest critic.

He was my love story before my heart grew wings.

For thirty years, I ran by his side at a steady clip.

But, it took loosing him for my legs to learn that they could fly.

Grace

Posted on June 13, 2016 by heatherdahl under Uncategorized

Grace given in daily doses.

The amount needed to see us through those 24 hours.

If only we knew to live in the present; to accept grace in the manner given.

Instead we seek to hoard it, begging for more than what’s needed in the moment.

Grant me thy grace in advance, as if today were my retirement and I was cashing in the 401k.

But grace doesn’t work like that.

It is given freely.

It is renewed daily.

He knows what’s needed. He catches us in our moments of weakness and helps us to rise.

When we lose our temper with our children, fail at our jobs and doubt God, he steps in and doles out the grace.

We can live in the moment.

When I try to plan ahead, a prayer for a peak down the path of what my life will hold, I simply need to return to Our Father’s prayer-

Give us this day our daily bread.

His grace is there feeding me daily.

Absent

Posted on June 9, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

There is a wedding on Saturday.

In navy blue dresses my girls will stand in front of friends and family as they watch their father marry.

I want to be there,

to curl Sidney’s hair;

whisper words of encouragement in Audrey’s ear before her toast and

cuddle Ellery when half way through the evening her legs grow tired of dancing.

Saturday is important to them.

But, no matter how good the relationship is between their dad and I, there are simply days when the past does not get to participate in the present.

There is sadness in the missing of the moment.

When Sunday night arrives and they scamper though our front door, the moments will have become memories. Memories made without me present.

And that is the reality of divorce.

I won’t linger there long in my own sorrow.

Instead we will make ice cream tonight, watch the sunset and talk about all the fun they will have this weekend.

When our eyes grow heavy, we will climb under my blankets and I will wrap them in my love.

And in that I will find my joy.

To be loved

Posted on June 6, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce

I often wonder how heavy the load must be to love a women who makes her home 532 miles from yours.

And yet, he never makes it feel like a burden, only as if to know me is the greatest blessing.

Loving this women when she can’t be there to physically support you in the everyday ordinariness of life.

He’s found ways to be ever-present. Many days I feel as if there’s not a second he has missed.

Regardless of where we end up, I know I will love him forever.

I’m not supposed to tell you that.

I’m not supposed to tell him that.

But, I made a promise to myself a long time ago that never again would I live a life that wasn’t fully authentic. And this life, has been more joyful, more hopeful, with him in it.

So when Ellery asks him if he “loves her Momma?”, and his response is clear, “I love your Momma”, it seems only natural to acknowledge with words, the one who entered in.

I prayed for you.

You came when God felt I was ready.

A Joyful Life

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