This Joy

Posted on December 12, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

I heard his words.

This day, in this wooden pew, in this church in Cincinnati, Ohio, I listened.

As the priest told us how joy is not a state of mind but a condition we choose to live in;

a grace given by the father, all to often left unopened,

I nodded my head in agreement.

Looking to my right and left at the faces of those I cherished most in this world, I understood.

We do hard things.

We wrestle challenge.

But, each day, we make a choice to live in the grace he has provided.

The pain and the joy partners on this path.

“Momma are you crying”, she whispered in my ear.

“No tears today”, I whispered back;

just JOY.

from The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis:

Special

Posted on November 2, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce

You’re not married because of us Momma.

The night was drawing in when she spoke the words with a chuckle.

Some days she’s my twelve year old and others she still the 6 year old wanting me to kiss the boo-boo on her finger.

You’re not married because three girls is a lot Momma.

Why can’t this cocoon I have wrapped us in shelter my children from the language of the world?

The pause was long while I waited for the words to come.

I told her of how our hearts were broken after the divorce;

of how important it was to heal and protect them until the time was right for someone to enter in.

I told her of my belief that our God would pick just the right partner, friend and mentor to join our family when he felt the time was right.

I looked into those blue eyes and spoke of how special she was and whether I married or remained single it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with God’s plan.

I reminded her of our community, knitted together of friends and family. A community of people who live around the block and half way around the country and choose to participate in our lives simply because they want to be near her radiant light.

And then as I always do before bed, I kissed her forehead five times. Snuggled in tight, with the smell of her freshly washed hair on my pillow, I promised myself I would begin each day with a whisper in her ear, you are special.

Waking up

Posted on October 17, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce

Three years gone.

I mark these anniversaries not out of sadness or out of celebration.

I mark them because it shouldn’t be forgotten.

I should remember where I was.

The young woman I left behind,

her fears and her failings.

I wasn’t escaping her, just growing into her next version.

If it hadn’t happened,

if the thread hadn’t been pulled on fourteen years of marriage,

I wouldn’t be here now.

I wouldn’t be the mom, the friend, the woman, I am today.

So today is marked, looking back with respect for the process that brought me here.

I thank God for the gifts of this journey.

I thank God for the gift of this life.

Happiness

Posted on September 26, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

Somewhere along the way I found it easier to write about the pain then to document the joy.

Pen to paper, words poured out in sadness.

An instant relief in the acknowledgement of the agony.

But, what am I to do when days of joy fall swiftly one after the other?

I’m not chasing the stages of grief. If I say it out loud will I jinx it?

You should know I am happy.

I make plans for my girls.

I dream about the man I love.

And, I am in awe of the life I’m living.

The words now typed I will trust.

Regardless of what happens next, today’s joy will always be mine.

My Tribe

Posted on August 4, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

We can do almost all of it.

Dinners, homework, carpools, trips across the country or to the grocery, the four of us have got it down.

We are a team. It often makes me feel unstoppable.

That is, until I find us one night on the side of the highway, only corn fields to be seen for miles, a tire blown by debris in the road and me as the leader of this pack unable to do anything. Chicago bound, I am now trapped with an immovable car and a setting sun, on the outskirts of middle America.

As I direct children to exit the vehicle and realize that the roadside assistance I pay for each year is not going to get the job done, I begin to feel very alone.

And in that moment of panic I glance at my 11-year-old texting.

I spit out the question, what does she think she is doing right now, can’t she see we are in quite the bind?

The response stops me in my tracks, immediately ends my downward spiral.

“Momma, I am asking my friends to pray for us”.

As teammates often do they lift one another in their moments of weakness.

I am still the momma, the one responsible for bringing us out of this mess, but my beautiful, thoughtful, spiritual daughter is really the one who will change the course of that evening.

Good Samaritans arrive by the carload and then the highway patrol.

Within an hour they have us back on the road with instructions to drive two exits down stay overnight at the Marriott and then hit the Wal-Mart Supercenter when it opens at 7 am for a new tire as that spare donut will not get us to Chicago.

Ellery laughs at the baby tire.

We find our way to Van Wert and find the hotel pool which wipes away the remaining concerns.

Audrey decides that before bed we must pray for those who lifted us from the side of the road and instructs me that I am to find a way to pay it forward to others.

The next morning we awake and find two tires, marked down just the day before, and a grandfatherly gentleman able to put them on for us. In what feels like seconds we are back on the highway heading west and the incident is just a minor pothole on the way to perfect weekend.

I am once again reminded that I am not alone. My tribe and I are in this together.

Forward

Posted on July 20, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

The beauty in parenthood is how it forces you to keep marching forward.

As much as a heartbroken women would love to curl up in bed, watch sappy movies and eat an entire dish of brownies, as a Momma there isn’t time.

No opportunity to wallow in grief. A good cry in the closet and off we go as there is mattress sledding on the stairs,

popcorn parties in bed,

and birthday’s to celebrate.

The opportunity given, a chance for a front row seat; watching their Momma dust herself off, move forward and live life fully.

Steak

Posted on July 15, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce

I’m not a big meat eater. Best guess is at least three years since a steak last grazed my lips.

Sometime around Mother’s Day this year I got a hankering for one on the grill.

I’ve never grilled.

I don’t own a grill.

So when my Momma asked me what I wanted to do for my 39th birthday and I replied, I just want someone to grill me a steak, I expected she would make that happen.

I should know by now that’s not how she works.

A few days after my desires were made known she walked into my house clutching this-

She found it for me.

She wanted me to read up.

She was very excited for me to learn how to grill my own birthday steak.

And that, right there, is why my Momma is so special.

The whispers in my ear as a little girl now transformed into gentle nudging’s; reminders from her that if I want something, I have to go after it.

Make it happen for yourself Heather.

Life’s too short.

Absent

Posted on June 9, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

There is a wedding on Saturday.

In navy blue dresses my girls will stand in front of friends and family as they watch their father marry.

I want to be there,

to curl Sidney’s hair;

whisper words of encouragement in Audrey’s ear before her toast and

cuddle Ellery when half way through the evening her legs grow tired of dancing.

Saturday is important to them.

But, no matter how good the relationship is between their dad and I, there are simply days when the past does not get to participate in the present.

There is sadness in the missing of the moment.

When Sunday night arrives and they scamper though our front door, the moments will have become memories. Memories made without me present.

And that is the reality of divorce.

I won’t linger there long in my own sorrow.

Instead we will make ice cream tonight, watch the sunset and talk about all the fun they will have this weekend.

When our eyes grow heavy, we will climb under my blankets and I will wrap them in my love.

And in that I will find my joy.

To be loved

Posted on June 6, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce

I often wonder how heavy the load must be to love a women who makes her home 532 miles from yours.

And yet, he never makes it feel like a burden, only as if to know me is the greatest blessing.

Loving this women when she can’t be there to physically support you in the everyday ordinariness of life.

He’s found ways to be ever-present. Many days I feel as if there’s not a second he has missed.

Regardless of where we end up, I know I will love him forever.

I’m not supposed to tell you that.

I’m not supposed to tell him that.

But, I made a promise to myself a long time ago that never again would I live a life that wasn’t fully authentic. And this life, has been more joyful, more hopeful, with him in it.

So when Ellery asks him if he “loves her Momma?”, and his response is clear, “I love your Momma”, it seems only natural to acknowledge with words, the one who entered in.

I prayed for you.

You came when God felt I was ready.

The Ranch

Posted on June 1, 2016 by heatherdahl under divorce, Parenting

We didn’t find this place, it found us.

As sometimes happens, the places you are meant to be, find their way to you.

School let out for summer on that Friday and by Saturday morning we were leaving behind our gray skies for the dry heat of the Arizona desert.

The days flew.

When there are horses to ride and bulls to lasso, there’s not much time for make-up, squabbles over meals or chatting on the phone.

You wake up each day at 5am, drink your coffee, don your cowgirl boots and head out on your horse.

When the heat of the day gets to be too much your lounge by the pool or find a cool spot to do yoga on the lawn.

There aren’t any TV’s.

Emails seem to find a way to go unanswered (especially when you hear that dinner bell ringing).

And on that last day, when you ride up the mountain for blueberry pancakes at sunrise, you realize this was the best thing you did with your year.

You know that nothing will replace the memories you made on this trip. And you are grateful for the sunset.

A Joyful Life

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