The Ranch

Posted on by under divorce, Parenting

We didn’t find this place, it found us.

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As sometimes happens, the places you are meant to be, find their way to you.

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School let out for summer on that Friday and by Saturday morning we were leaving behind our gray skies for the dry heat of the Arizona desert.

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The days flew.

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When there are horses to ride and bulls to lasso, there’s not much time for make-up, squabbles over meals or chatting on the phone.

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You wake up each day at 5am, drink your coffee, don your cowgirl boots and head out on your horse.

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When the heat of the day gets to be too much your lounge by the pool or find a cool spot to do yoga on the lawn.

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There aren’t any TV’s.

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Emails seem to find a way to go unanswered (especially when you hear that dinner bell ringing).

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And on that last day, when you ride up the mountain for blueberry pancakes at sunrise, you realize this was the best thing you did with your year.

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You know that nothing will replace the memories you made on this trip. And you are grateful for the sunset.

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Unfinished

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She caught me that morning, on the hillside, praying.

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My eleven year old, behind the lens ,wanting to capture the moment with her Momma there on that mountain.

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Life is unstable.

It knocks on us.

And as I find myself staring into the valley of thirty-nine, I pray no longer to fear the instability;

to take more risks,

to climb more mountains.

I am unfinished.

 

 

 

Judging

Posted on by under Parenting

I could feel it in the question.

My seat mate on the flight to DC.

“So who watches your children while you travel for work”, he inquired?

The question poised a few moments into a benign conversation about our respective careers and travel.

And now he was judging.

Or was I judging myself?

A moment of self reflection in seat 17D at 9:35am on a Monday. But first, really, if I am being honest, a moment of self hate.

My mom was there. Everyday with a smile and a hug when I walked in after school.

And I, now as the mom, almost a 1000 miles away when they walk through those doors.

How do I reconcile the judgments in the eyes of that stranger with the feelings of accomplishment from the career I have and the role I always dreamed of- being someone’s Momma?

Do I apologize to this stranger for the life I have chosen? Or is the apology to my children when I walk in the door at 8:30pm that night?

No, I will walk it back.

Move away from my own self-hate, for not being the perfect woman.

I will think about the dinner time conversations where my girls first words are “tell us about your day today Momma”.

I will remind myself  of Audrey’s desire to be a lobbyist, Sidney as an equine vet and

Ellery the drill sergeant.

I will remember the times when I have been juggling and the girls have stepped in. How Sidney makes dinner, Ellery “cleans” the house and Audrey takes care of the dog. How they have learned to live in this community. That the family doesn’t begin and end with Momma, we are in it together.

I smile at the gentlemen next to me.

I choose not to answer the question and instead describe my little family.

Those girls 11, 9 and 5, their hobbies, personalities and the joy they bring to my life.

He tells me about his three boys now all grown and starting families of their own.

And before we both know it, the wheels are coming down and we’ve begun our descent.

No more judging. Neither he of me or I of myself.

let it go

 

 

 

 

 

The Mundane

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I changed two light bulbs. They burnt out a month ago.

I went swimsuit shopping. Got depressed. Went shoe shopping.

I paid the bills.

Had the oil in my car changed. It was 3,000 miles overdue.

Thought a thousand times about how much I wanted to write something compelling before I realized the compelling was the mundane.

This is it.

This is the reality of two Saturday’s and Sunday’s each month.

There are long runs, dinners out with friends, travel and reading.

But most weekends this is all there is to write.

For the first 18 months I struggled with that solitude.

I thought my days of child free living had to be filled with adventure.

Slowly the tides turned and as always happens, life took priority.

I could be that woman at the grocery store alone.

The one at the car wash vacuuming out her SUV without children clamoring over her.

I didn’t need to turn every weekend into an adventure to fill the void of my loneliness.

There is beauty in the mundane and bravery in simply living.

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The Gift

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Nani is magic.

She persuades sullen children to sleep,

breaks up fights with merely a look.

She calms fears, theirs and mine;

remembers little moments and treats them like holidays.

She’s the parent I am not as I travel the country.

Their eyes light up when she walks in the door each morning and announces her presence.

It’s a gift these days with her.

This gift, in this way, would not have been possible had he lived.

They had a plan.

A beach house on the shore and a retirement within reach.

Yes, they would have been magical, the two of them together with those three little girls.

But, it would have been a different kind of magic- one made after 12 hour-long road trips to that cottage on the island.

We don’t get to decide the gift given or choose the form it takes.

We can ponder the would have been, but all that would do is tarnish the image of what is.

So we will love this gift that comes wrapped in the package of the woman called Nani. The one, if it had worked out differently, might be a thousand miles away and instead walks through our front door each morning and brings her magic.

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Happiness

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20 years past.

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A lifetime lived in the blink of an eye.

And here I stand offering them advice about cherishing the moment. The joy in the friendships they have. The reminder that they are merely scratching the surface of what these relationships will grow to become.

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The tears welled up as I told them about the moments women had lifted me. Moments I could not have imagined all those years ago while standing in the same spot they were.

I mentioned my own girls and my hopes for them in the years to come. My desire that they too find a community that will support them when family may not cut it.

After the talk, two young women took me through the hallways of the house, past my room that spring semester junior year which housed a million late night conversations.

The pictures on the walls brought an overwhelming sense of happiness.

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Happy that I could be here at this time to share a small snippet of my story.

Happy that the young girl smiling at me found a place like this.

Happy that 20 years later the legacy of what we started there has lived on.

 

For my former spouse and his soon to be bride

Posted on by under divorce, Parenting

Dear Brock and Allison,

These last two years have been a journey for all of us. But your wedding day is not about what was, it is about what is.

You have found in each other what many dream of and your life will come together before your friends, family and our God in just two short months.

As we lead up to this joyous occasion, but before the frenzied pace of the last weeks before your wedding, I wanted to pause and let you know a few things I have been pondering.

There is great beauty in this moment.

A story of God’s grace.

The chance to start anew.

While I play no role on the day of your wedding, know that the role I play in the coming years of your marriage is one I take very seriously.

As the mother of your girls Brock and of your mentees Allison, I will be here to support you on this journey. I will always hold your marriage in the highest regard.

I will seek to reinforce its place in the lexicon of our family.

I will remind my children of the extra special life they lead to have so many grown ups committed to nurturing them through their formative years and beyond.

Your marriage will have a very important place in their lives.

You see you have the chance to do what thus far has alluded me.

You can show them the stability and strength in a lifelong commitment. How man and women can live in unity with each other.

I may never get to be that example for them. But you two do.

So I will have this unique privilege of watching your married life unfold and lifting it up from afar.

I will pray for you daily and seek God’s guidance as to the best way forward for all of us.

Enjoy this time in your lives.

Know that I believe the best is yet to come for you both.

Sincerely,

H

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Confirmation

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Sometimes the words don’t come as I would have them.

They feel so inadequate amid the enormity of the moment.

And so it was on Saturday night.

As I found myself in front of a church of 700, I realized that I could not possibly convey the feelings that had moved in me.

The words would never do the moment justice.

The confirmation of my choice, the sureness in my heart would fill the void of vocabulary.

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Seasons

Posted on by under Parenting

They’re beginning the walk away.

No longer toddling towards me arms out stretched.

I find myself staring at their backs as they lug their own bags, carry their own loads.

The season of parenting those whose physical needs are great is now over.

Sid makes dinner for us each week more nights than I do.

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Audrey doesn’t need reminders to brush her hair, say her prayers or wear a coat.

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The days of bathing children are finished as Ellery spends as long as she can in tepid water, lathering her hair and singing songs to her babies splashing in the ocean of suds.

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I am supposed to tell you that I am ready for the season to have passed,

that I am embracing this next stage of my life and theirs.

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But in reality, I never thought at 38 that my years of giving birth and nurturing babies would be complete.

Maybe I should have.

There is always an end why shouldn’t mine have been today?

My heart knows the joy I have here in this moment.

The beautiful ladies who fill my days with laughter and tears,

the children that teach me how to be a better person.

And in that I will be grateful.