40

Dear 39,

Thank you.

Its’ been a pleasure.

On this day a year ago all I wanted was to peer around the bend, just a snippet of what lie ahead.

No looking glass that night or the nights after, more uncertainty unfolding one day after the next.

But, at some point, living with the uncertainty became ok.

I stopped orchestrating.

I started listening.

And now 40 is not a single bit like I thought it would be.

I’m not who I thought I would be.

I don’t have to be finished.

I don’t have skip ahead to know the end to this chapter.

I can believe.

I can trust.

I can look back now to see that all along this 39th year was designed to lead me here.

In his time, in his way, answered prayers.

Thank you for all that you were.

If you don’t mind, could you put in a good word for me with 40? You’ve built a great foundation for her to work with.

Love,

H

 

 

Dating

d26290902ee7bbcbd9f8b130902af1a6

I’ve navigated the channel of divorce in a forthcoming manner.

I share the experience and what I have learned in hopes that in the offering others will gain.

I acknowledge the wrongs I have made, maybe in an attempt to set things right.

But one area I’ve never felt comfortable sharing publicly is how I manage, at 38, to navigate a world vastly different from the one I left in 1999 when I took another’s hand in marriage.

There are cellphones.

There is texting.

People email and very rarely write letters.

Courting is a foreign thing and love is often decided in minutes rather than months.

Many times over the last two years, I have pondered walking away.

My life is full.

I have everything I could have ever asked for and more.

So why then would I travel this difficult path that may or may not place me in front of a person to share my world?

Am I hoping for that fairy tale ending? The knight to ride in, sweep me off my feet and bring me the stability I often crave?

No.

I’ve learned to love my state of independence too much.

My decisions are my own. My life made up of my choices.

I date because it makes me uncomfortable.

I date because I can learn more about who I am when I examine myself through the lens of another.

I date because God called me to live in community with others and the most intimate form of community is partnership and marriage.

I don’t know what the plan is for my next years on this earth.

I imagine there will be some heartache. I guarantee I will face down fears.

Ultimately it is not in my hands who does or does not walk this road with me.

I may not know what lies ahead, but I believe I am up to the challenge.