I’m new at this whole divorce thing. So I often turn to the internet to help me find resources to guide my children. The internet can be a great thing but in this instance it was my first mistake.
I found the book Dinosaurs Divorce a few weeks ago and ordered it after reading numerous recommendations from blogs and fantastic online reviews. Amazon in their oh so speedy way had it at my door within four days.
Now let me preface this by saying I am sure that Dinosaurs Divorce is an excellent resource for families going through a divorce it was just not the kind of resource that this family was in need of. But, because my girls are amazing little creatures they were able to find joy and laughter in a moment that could have turned horribly bad.
Mistake #2 Momma should ALWAYS preread books on divorce before sharing with her girls.
It started with this line “Parents divorce when they don’t love each other or can’t get along together anymore”.
Oh poop. The questions began.
“But Momma you and Daddy love each other and you get along.”
Then we hit this: “When parents can’t agree lawyers and judges decide. Try to be honest if they ask you questions; it will help make better decisions”.
“What do they mean judges Momma and asking me questions? You and Daddy have already decided where we will live”.
It was probably around page 9 that my girls decided this book didn’t apply to them. They knew it in their hearts. It wasn’t our families road map for divorce. But, they wanted to keep reading because now the whole concept of Dinosaurs Divorce was hilarious.
The silly questions and comments commenced.
Sidney- “So I’m thinking that Audrey and Ellie go live with Daddy and I stay here. They can come over to play and stuff but then I wouldn’t have to put up with them all the time. Deal Momma?”
Audrey- “The book says that sometimes one of the parents may act like Santa Claus. Can Santa Claus just come live with us instead?”
Ellie- “Momma I get two parties!!! Kate and Taylor can come over for a tea party twice!” (The book may or may not have suggested that sometimes divorced parents cannot get along and holidays and birthday parties will be celebrated twice as much).
What happened next I should probably label Mistake #3 but I don’t know that I truly believe it as such. I should have put down the book, but we kept reading when the section called “Meeting Parents New Friends” appeared at the top of the page.
I groaned uncomfortably.
The girls giggled uncontrollably.
A picture of a dinosaur dad introducing his dinosaur kids to his new “friend” appeared on the page. Let’s just say that the new friend appeared to be rather well endowed and had a nice j’lo esq booty. The girls picked up on it immediately and began with the “big butt” comments.
The next pages talked about parents remarrying and living with step parents. The same image emerged of the big butted step mom with the following statement “Pick a name for your step parent that you find easy to use and your step parent is comfortable with”.
And it was there that Step Mom Big Butt was born. My girls lost it. Parading around the room butt pushed out as far as they could shouting “Step Mom Big Butt come help me with my homework”; “Step Mom Big Butt you have a great butt”.
All so totally inappropriate but at the same time a completely appropriate response. My girls found joy in the moment, in their own way.
Their giggles filled the house and then it filled the phone line as they called their daddy to let him know what they discovered by reading this book- Step Moms are more well endowed packages then real Momma.
Finally, Mistake #4. Maybe I should not have recorded the following-