She caught me that morning, on the hillside, praying.
My eleven year old, behind the lens ,wanting to capture the moment with her Momma there on that mountain.
Life is unstable.
It knocks on us.
And as I find myself staring into the valley of thirty-nine, I pray no longer to fear the instability;
to take more risks,
to climb more mountains.
I am unfinished.
I changed two light bulbs. They burnt out a month ago.
I went swimsuit shopping. Got depressed. Went shoe shopping.
I paid the bills.
Had the oil in my car changed. It was 3,000 miles overdue.
Thought a thousand times about how much I wanted to write something compelling before I realized the compelling was the mundane.
This is it.
This is the reality of two Saturday’s and Sunday’s each month.
There are long runs, dinners out with friends, travel and reading.
But most weekends this is all there is to write.
For the first 18 months I struggled with that solitude.
I thought my days of child free living had to be filled with adventure.
Slowly the tides turned and as always happens, life took priority.
I could be that woman at the grocery store alone.
The one at the car wash vacuuming out her SUV without children clamoring over her.
I didn’t need to turn every weekend into an adventure to fill the void of my loneliness.
There is beauty in the mundane and bravery in simply living.
Dear Brock and Allison,
These last two years have been a journey for all of us. But your wedding day is not about what was, it is about what is.
You have found in each other what many dream of and your life will come together before your friends, family and our God in just two short months.
As we lead up to this joyous occasion, but before the frenzied pace of the last weeks before your wedding, I wanted to pause and let you know a few things I have been pondering.
There is great beauty in this moment.
A story of God’s grace.
The chance to start anew.
While I play no role on the day of your wedding, know that the role I play in the coming years of your marriage is one I take very seriously.
As the mother of your girls Brock and of your mentees Allison, I will be here to support you on this journey. I will always hold your marriage in the highest regard.
I will seek to reinforce its place in the lexicon of our family.
I will remind my children of the extra special life they lead to have so many grown ups committed to nurturing them through their formative years and beyond.
Your marriage will have a very important place in their lives.
You see you have the chance to do what thus far has alluded me.
You can show them the stability and strength in a lifelong commitment. How man and women can live in unity with each other.
I may never get to be that example for them. But you two do.
So I will have this unique privilege of watching your married life unfold and lifting it up from afar.
I will pray for you daily and seek God’s guidance as to the best way forward for all of us.
Enjoy this time in your lives.
Know that I believe the best is yet to come for you both.
Sincerely,
H
When you are nine years old and all you want in the world is for both your parents to attend your student led parent teacher conference.
And when the stars align, you feel like the luckiest girl in the world to have your parents rapt attention for thirty minutes. You have all the time in the world as you talk about the things at school that make you happy.
That right there is a good day.
“Momma why is it this way?” she asks me.
The eyes imploring, wanting more.
“We couldn’t make it work, your Dad and I”.
“We had big dreams that we couldn’t share. Now your Daddy has someone who shares those dreams and it will be good”.
“So you broke apart then Momma” she whispers as she unlaces her fingers from mine.
“Oh my Ellie girl nothing is broken. It can’t be broken. You exist.”
“I don’t understand Momma”.
“Daddy and I made you. You are made from the best parts of each of us woven together. You aren’t broken are you?”
“No Momma I am whole”
“So you see then even though Daddy and I aren’t married nothing is broken. You and Audrey and Sidney make us whole”.
I step in and I am transported back.
Flooded with memories of my making.
The clothing I now view as my collection.
They bring me sweet smiles each day while I debate what will be worn.
The sleeve of that dress I had on the first time the man I liked grabbed my hand. When I look at it, I can feel the texture and warmth of his touch in my palm.
The sweatshirt I stole from my brother’s closet freshman year in college. The edges worn, the letters faded. It’s now Sidney’s favorite. When I ask her why she takes it she tells me “it smells like you Momma“.
There’s the scarf my best friend gave me for Christmas one year that I wore on a colder then usual December vacation to Disney.
The cream blazer I splurged on was the first big purchase I hadn’t needed to “clear” with anyone, a reminder of the independence I now have.
And those running shoes. Always off to the side, ready to slide on each morning. A new pair every 6 months or so. Medals of all the miles logged.
For years I would walk into spaces like this in homes I made and question my worth. The skirt that felt too tight. The shirt that couldn’t hide what I thought needed hiding.
Gradually those feelings faded and all that is left is the goodness in those pieces.
And now when I find my niece standing in the center of that closet wearing my heels or Sidney in the Wittenberg sweatshirt, I feel such joy.
The clothes are comfort.
The fabric, memories of a life well lived.
Dear Friends and Family,
We apologize for this mass e-mail instead of personal correspondence with each of you, but as you know we both value the written word and felt it the best way to convey this news.
We have decided to divorce.
We know this will come as a shock to many of you and it is already rocking our worlds, but one thing that hasn’t changed is that our priority is the children.
We have created an amazing life for these happy, contented, well-adjusted young ladies and we still view the five of us as a family regardless of whether or not their parents live in the same house. Those of you who know us well (which means everyone on this email) know that we have always charted our own course and don’t always do things by society’s perception of the “rule book”.
So keeping that in mind some thoughts for you to consider:
1. There are no sides. We have arrived at this decision with a great deal of thought and consideration. We are not angry with each other. In fact we love and appreciate each other so deeply that we have chosen this course for the betterment of our individual well-beings.
2. In light of the above – please don’t feel the need to eliminate either one of us from your lives. We love and respect each one of you and the role you play in the lives of our significant other.
3. We plan to continue to be a family so that means you will see us together a lot- at school, gymnastics, basketball and even at holiday gatherings. We want this period to be as stable for the kids as possible.
4. We will need your support and love- a listening ear, a hug, a kind gesture will help sustain us through this time. But please don’t use this time as an opportunity to speak ill of our significant other to us. We may need to bitch, moan and complain but what we need most from you is the space to do that and the knowledge that you will not use it against us or our partner in the future.
5. Finally for the kids, give them hugs, kisses and love. Give them the grace to approach you on the topic if they so desire. We ask this of you because our children don’t think of themselves as different. They are well aware of what is occurring between their parents and they feel very much loved and supported by both of us. Too many staring gazes or pitiful expressions from well-intended friends and family will only serve to make them question what they believe to be true.
Thank you for your love and support of our marriage over the last 14 years. Regardless of what happens legally in the weeks and months ahead we will always be proud of what we have accomplished together.
Much love,
Brock and H
A Joyful Life 