Dear Sidney Reagan,

Two decades now come and gone since I first laid my eyes on you.

I still can’t believe you are my daughter. This brilliant, caring, thoughtful, loving child has turned into an equally brilliant, caring, thoughtful, young adult.

Your road has not been an easy one. We won’t pretend that hard things didn’t happen before this year which had the hardest of things. You have endured what no 20-year-old should have to. But the one gift from it all, is that you have become a more compassionate person then people twice your age.

Your resilience is impressive.

When you could have chosen the easier path, you’ve turned the heartache into your life’s purpose. I couldn’t be prouder of the way you share your gifts, your love with this world.

My heartbreaks for the pain you’ve had to endure. And it soars when I think of the gift I have been given to get to watch you on this journey, both the good and the bad.

Continue to listen to the longings of your heart. They will guide you in a way your head cannot.

Matt and I will always be here to provide shelter from the storms of this life.

Your sisters will be your bridge to earth, always pulling you back to our home.

But as you have reminded me it’s ok to fly away from the farm. These experiences on your own will continue to teach you more than I can about the woman you are being called to be.

Thank you for these twenty years of mothering.

I am so proud to share this life with you.

Love,

Momma

P.S. I didn’t forget. This one says it all and was written by a man who watched his wife endure the hardest of years.

Dear #7 and #8,

Your tiny faces appearing on the front stoop that mild spring night, my guess is this farmhouse had never experienced a miracle of that kind before.

We were trusted to care for you, to bring you into the light. Yet you would come bearing gifts far greater than the ones we could offer.

Those first weeks and months were full of trials. Slowly we watched two precious souls emerge from a dark world. Your resilience reminded us that in the body’s bleakest days the soul still seeks to soar.

Now as I type you run around in your Elsa dresses making me “coffee”. You are the best darn princess baristas in the land (I may just be the proudest about your passion for Starbucks- your enthusiasm each morning when I return to the car with my cup makes me feel like I can conquer the world).

#7 you are our rainbow, a beautiful tapestry of color. You make us laugh daily and cry weekly. You wear your emotions on your sleeve and we are all better for it. Thank you for loving us so fiercely and for knitting us together as a family. Don’t ever forget how strong you are.

#8 you are John Candy wrapped in Lucille Ball. You are hilarious, the standup act we never knew we needed. Nothing goes unnoticed in your presence. Thank you for teaching us to look deeper and work harder to learn someone. To think how far and how fast you have grown, god’s glory runs in legs that previously couldn’t walk.

Babies you are on your way. And because of you we all are as well.

Thank you for the gift of this year. The lessons learned under your tutelage have made us better people. They have also taught us that only our Lord knows the ending to this story, and we are best to leave our longings at his feet.

My prayer has been that all the days of my life I get to watch you grow. I believe that will happen whether under my roof or under God’s skies. I will never be far from you.

Be fearless my babies. Breathe in the love of this home and bask in the sunlight of our world.

Thank you for making me who I hoped to be.

Love,

Your Momma

P.S this one says it all.

Dear Audrey,

This birthday letter is 11 months in the making.

I found myself stuck. The milestone birthday of yours was hard to wrap my head around.

In my mind, you more than any of your sisters, is still that bubbly, bright eyed two-year-old. The one who couldn’t get enough of Dora or Raising Cane’s sauce. The child who did everything sooner and faster because she was in a hurry to “catch up” to her big sister. The precocious 8-year-old who had all her teachers enamored by her empathy and compassion.

Now you are here. A stunning, wide eyed young woman ready to take on the world.

While you are stunning, the beauty I see in you is far deeper than the skin. Words don’t do justice. You are everything that is good and right in this world.

You are hope. You are thoughtfulness. You are understanding.

You radiant love.

Everyone who comes within your atmosphere is blessed to have your light shine on them.

I am so grateful that God choose me to be your Momma.

These next two years will be full of milestones but please promise me this-

You will remember that no matter the hardship, the struggle, the climb, you my darling girl are destined for greatness.

I will always be here along for the ride, ready to watch you soar.

All my love, forever and always.

Momma

PS- this year, or should I say last year’s song says it all.

We hold space for hearts and hands.

On watch, waiting for the call to come.

We didn’t just arrive here.

It was an aching we answered. One that first required months of pandemic pondering before we realized this was where he was asking us to be.

Now nearly two years into our journey, immeasurable times moved to tears by the process.

The babies who’ve passed through these doors, slept in that crib and cried in our arms.

The children who’ve made us giggle and reminded us that the world we live in is not ours alone.

And our own girls who grow with each placement, who love without regard. They make us believe in a better world.

Often, we are told what a blessing we are to these children. Each time I am stunned by friends and strangers’ affirmations.

Can they not see the blessing we receive is far greater than anything we give?

It is because of those gifts we can wait, in hopeful expectation, for the next call, our next yes.

September 24, 2022

Dear Ellery Jane,

These passing of years has me tied in all kinds of knots. It seems like just a second ago you entered our world and put everything in focus.

Now you are 12 and the elementary years are squarely behind us. But you, more than any of my children, is willing to let me hold on a little tighter, snuggle a little longer and linger in this moment.

Not yet a woman and clearly not a little girl, you allow me hold on to that trapeze swing a few seconds longer. The movement into the land of young adulthood is evident but thank you for indulging me.

Ellery Jane you are fierce.

A person who knows themselves is sure to set the world on fire. You are an inferno.

Pay attention to the voice inside. The one that tells you what feels right and true.

More than anything I want you to understand how beautifully unique and wonderfully made you are.

Middle school can plant seeds of doubt. Don’t let comparison force your down. Know that your value comes not from a building with lockers, but a heart with chambers.

I love you endlessly baby girl, and I am not the only one.

You have a family that adores you and friends that want the best for you.

Here’s to the yellow brick road ahead. These days that will shape and mold you.

Nothing is impossible.

Stand up and believe in the strength of your being.

Happiest of birthday’s Ellery Jane.

Love,

Your one and only momma.

PS- This year’s song is everything and more.

Dear Sidney,

So, it’s here,

adulthood at your doorstep.

18 years feels like freedom but really, it’s gravity.

Grounded in a place and time that are of your choosing.

These years are yours.

You’ve earned the right to be here.

Your sound judgement,

your openness to change,

your willingness to sit in the hard stuff, knowing that growth always comes after the heartache;

you should be trusted with this time and place.

At 18, I wasn’t half the women you are today.

I found pleasure in the yes. The more I made others happy the more I thought I would find myself.

In fact, it was the opposite.

I lost myself in the yearning to be everything to everyone.

That is not your path.

You’ve found freedom in being uniquely you.

These will be some of the most profoundly moving years of life, so if you don’t mind, let me offer some wisdom you probably don’t need but I am aching to supply.

Remember nothing good happens after 2 a.m., but all ills can be cured with a greasy breakfast and a cup of peppermint tea.

Skip class.

No, really, skip class.

On those spring days when the rain clouds finally part and the world is on fire with the promise of summer, leave the books behind, grab your hammock and spend a day in Schenley Park soaking in the magic of the moment.

Stay open to the viewpoints of others and stand ready to acknowledge that life is not black and white, grey is the best place to find a home.

Remember that there is an army of people who believe in you. You are not beholden to them,

yet they stand ready to support you with Ramon noodles, Dunkin runs and unconditional love.

Take heart my love that when I see you, I see the best of this world. While some may break your heart your goodness will endure. You will leave this world a better place.

Thank you for the gift of these 18 years.

The opportunity to stand beside you and watch the remarkable journey of my heart walking outside my body is the greatest joy of my life.

I love you more the words can say.

Happiest of birthday’s my beautiful girl.

Love,

Your one and only Momma

P.S.-

I’ve been waiting to use this one….

To become a mom for the seventh time at 44, even if it’s planned, feels unexpected.

Bright eyed, pink and screaming he entered our world on an April evening.

It was 24 hours in when I had decided I loved him completley.

Accustomed to children entering my world in a non biological way yet still astonished when he took me in so quickly.

Loving him came so easily.

The difference in parenting this time was the lack of control.

I had no say in what tomorrow held.

My desires were absent.

All I could do was rest in the moment, love him without forward thought.

And he wove his way into the fabric of our family.

His smiles, that touch.

The way the instant he felt fresh air on his face his body relaxed.

As each day passed his presence became more entwined with ours.

Today I would give anything to be with him, yet ninety days after our first embrace he is with another.

The pain is deep and the journey from here to there feels wide.

I still don’t know what tomorrow holds.

Yet I know his name has carved a place on my heart.

Dear Sidney,

It’s taken me nearly two months to write these words. Today, as we shop for dorm room supplies, sendoff college deposits and await the much-anticipated roommate assignment, it feels as if this is finally happening. 18 years come and gone; in a hot second you will be at the doorstep of adult life.

Listening to you deliver your address on commencement day, my heart leapt from its chest. How could this articulate, stunning young women be the same girl I watched toddle around the kitchen? The one with the blonde pigtails and megawatt smile now sharing her knowledge with her universe.

Here is what I know, from your first breath your love changed me and now it will change the world.

You have always been the child who charted her own course. The one who needed little guidance because instinctually she knew right from the wrong.

And now the greater community gets to witness your goodness.

Don’t hesitate for one moment to open your heart and live life out loud.

I’ll l be honest, I hurt to think of you more than a few miles from my arms, but I know this is what you were always meant to do.

Sidney Reagan I am so proud of the person you have become. You bring the light to this world.

Go and give the world your full self and know I will be here holding you close, ready for the chance to cheer you own from the nosebleed section.

Love you forever and always,

Your one and only Momma

January 12, 2022

Dear Audrey,

14 was the hardest of years. Changes in school left you unsure of your place on the planet.

You led with your heart and learned that others do not.

You also came to understand that joy and sorrow can coexist

As we turn the page to 15, I see a young woman surer of herself; the bright spot in all of our days.

I couldn’t be prouder of the friends you have chosen, the activities you picked and the love you bring to every person you encounter.

You are spectacular.

Be confident in the choices you are making. We all see your sound judgement.

Don’t be afraid to continue to step outside and explore this great big world of possibilities.

I will be here. And whether it’s a whisper or a roar may you always hear my voice in the background reminding you how deeply you are loved.

You my darling are the magic in these days. Thank you for letting me walk with you.

All my love, always and forever.

Your one and only Momma

PS- We both know Pink said it best.

The screeching tonight at dinner had us all kinds of overloaded.

So many words from so many beautiful faces.

Attempting to follow the rollercoaster of feelings each one was emoting,

in that moment you looked at me and said “four years ago tonight if we had known…”

No truer words spoken.

If we had known of all the growing to take place, would we have stood in front of the alter arms outstretched?

If it had been foretold, the broken nights, the feeling of the free fall, would we have danced until our feet swelled?

Yes.

I didn’t want to wander any longer. I had found my home in your arms.

And so here we are.

The tears, the laughter, the noise, four years in and still making sense of how to navigate these roads.

Your love has brought me closer to who I am meant to be.

I am bolder. I am humbler.

I have emerged from a deep, dark valley and with your help found a way back to my soul.

I wouldn’t trade a second of these last 35,040 hours.

The next year will mark more transitions but this I know- with your love, your guiding light, home will feel brighter and my life lighter.

Thank you for your yes.

It was always you.

All my love,

H

PS- What more could be said then this?